God's Will, Love, A Relationship, and Control

I kept asking that question over and over in Honduras - "God, what is Your will?"

I stopped asking what His will was for my life, what that specific plan was that He had for me, because I wasn't getting any answers and I was told I was asking the wrong questions. (Thank you Pastor Brian.) I was also asking for the wrong reasons. I'm a planner and an organizer, so I wanted to know what the Lord's plan was for my life so I could prepare and I could plan how it would follow out instead of laying my plans and trust in His hands.

It makes sense now that I was asking the wrong questions. I was asking them out of selfishness to what I wanted, thinking that what I wanted was greater than what God wanted to do with me. (Wow, I was trying to manipulate God into getting what I wanted. What a joke! I'm laughing at myself now.)

And as I'm looking back, I'm so thankful my pastor didn't come out and just say, "Maria, you're being selfish. Stop it. It's not about you." because that probably would've devastated my hidden, soft, interior while my exterior would be hardened and proclaiming to the world that I'm not selfish, I'm strong, and how the honest truth doesn't hurt me. My pastor let me figure it out on my own, just as the Lord did as well. But there was always guidance, consistent guidance. And always love.

It's an awful feeling, that thought of letting go of the control you have on whatever particular thing you're grasping to, knowing that you don't know what's going to happen next. But it's just the thought that paralyzes us into fear of letting go. It's a false thought that we have any control of our lives, and not to write that to scare anyone, because the Lord has us so incredibly protected and He doesn't want to see us in pain or suffering. Remember, God's will is Love. God's will is a love relationship. God is Love. But when that suffering comes, also remember that He knows every detail of the victory, and all we need to know is that the victory comes. Actually, the victory is already here!

I was asking God for a metaphor for trusting Him and letting go of control and He reminded me of how little kids ride on their fathers' shoulders. Your dad was always the one lifting you up, right? He always had you in his hands. It'd be terrifying getting up there and getting back down to the ground, because you have to fly through the air to do so, but once you were up on your dad's shoulder, you were safe. You trusted him to get you there.

My dad would be grasp my little legs and feet and I would be curled over holding his forehead for my life. I was scared to be up to high, and even though my dad would never let me fall and he had me locked in his hands, you're literally twice or three times the height of yourself. Of course, it's scary as a kid. Imagine that now as an adult! So I would "drive" my dad by turning his head, going whichever way I wanted him to go. Totally that false control that I had over steering my dad in the way I wanted to go, but he would play along until his head got tired of being yanked around so abruptly in my impatience to just stay still.

I am adventurous, I want to explore, and I want to do it my way, but God wants to do it His way. It's not my plans that God comes into alignment with. It's me, submitting to Him, trusting Him, that He is who He says He is, and that I can trust in that even when I'm terrified of letting go and moving forward.

It's simple, so when things get complicated or overwhelming in your life, remember these verses:

I Thessalonians 4:16-18

¹⁶ Rejoice always, ¹⁷ pray continually, ¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

A Chance to Change.

Father,

You have opened my heart, You have gently held me. 

You speak sweetly in my ears and into my heart.

Your tenderheartedness is so clear. 

You are wanting me to see me as You do. To be proud of myself as You are proud. To view myself as beauty and grace, as You have given me Your beauty and grace. I am all things from You and yet I struggle with accepting Your truth. 

I feel like I've been stunted at ages 16-18 when my parents divorced. I didn't receive the affirmation of how beautiful I was from my dad or see how to show my femininity in a healthy way from my mom. (My parents are great and they did far more greater things than negative things in my hindsighted opinion.) I'm thankful for how content I was as a kid, but that contentment became paralyzing for me. I never changed my outlook on myself. My clothes even stayed the same and excuses to stay the same only grew. "No money, I don't like to shop, I don't feel comfortable in the clothes, I look fat, etc." I wonder if  I even would've gone shopping if my mom took me. I'm sure she tried but I just didn't care at a young age and I'm sure she took that as my same stance when I was older. I was given money to buy clothes myself but I chose what was important to me at the time and it wasn't clothing. It was people and accessibility. I used my money for that.

Now, at 25, living with my dad and family again back in my hometown, I'm back to being a kid. My inner "16-18 year old" self is reliving in a new perspective. It's almost like I have a chance to do things differently this time around. I'm starting as a teen and becoming a woman. But a woman of God, a woman with a solid foundation of faith.

Father, create in me a feminine mind and thought, of myself and how You see and have made my femininity. Begin to eclipse my previous mindset with a new one, one that is precious and full of beauty, seeing and experiencing myself as a woman. When I look into the mirror Lord, rid my mind of excuses and settle me in what You say when you see my reflection. You have created me as beautiful, simply as I am. But when I put on make up or choose clothes Lord, I want it to be as I am adorning You with what I choose, not to receive compliments or attention to to make me feel better in the moment, but because I am a Holy Temple and I want to be beautiful for You.

The time I told God "No"

I told God "No." when I graduated college. That I wasn't moving, that I wouldn't leave Nashville. I didn't want Him to take me away from where I finally felt like what I had was home, where my friends were more than what I could've imagined, and where I had a deep passion and desire for my work. I just straight up said, "No. I'm not moving. It's not even an option." And for some reason, the Lord graciously heard me. He saw past my ignorant statement and past my pride, and saw how much I thought I really needed this place.

He allowed me to stay in Nashville.

He also blessed my work at Rocketown. I felt apart of a ministry, a job, eventually a church, and as always, close to my friends. He blessed me beyond measure.

In that blessing, there came struggle and heartache. Because I was so closed off to moving, God did His work in me in all the ways where I had said "No." before. I was uncomfortable, and I was just worn out from resisting His work in me for so long. Once that resistance gave up, He began to tear my identity away from my job. The support of my friends was no longer enough. Even my church family was the slightest comfort. But it all wasn't enough. God took me from my complete ignorance and led me through this winding, confusing, and sometimes agonizing path of softening my heart that didn't feel so soft at all. It hurt, and badly. But I knew it was necessary. I had peace in God's work. At one point, I could not put any of what I was feeling or going through into words, but I knew and trusted in what He was doing, even if it meant I would feel without words and be a crying mess for the rest of my life. I was willing to go through with this because I knew that I had my God. And I knew I'd come out better on the other side of this struggle.

Two things I think were key in this amazing process: I was completely honest with God and I allowed myself to be changed. I keep coming back to those two decisions that made me open and vulnerable with God and kept me in a place of desire to change.

Now, in that same state, I'm moving from the place I've truly called home since 2005. It will be happening. In the simple response of me not leaving Nashville to the process of allowing God to fully take me and transform me to do whatever He would like, I am moving.

This is the best part, in my opinion, because I'm moving to Honduras in August! I'm moving home to Indiana at the beginning of June so I can be with family, friends, and prepare for this next amazing phase in my life. My family is the best to be around (my step mom and sisters are Honduran) because I can learn the language, culture, and really dedicate myself spiritually and mentally. I miss my family incredibly and really desire to be an aunt, daughter, and sister to them. I haven't had that desire either, so I know it's a gift that the Lord has done in me.

It's all bittersweet, to leave the familiarity of Nashville, my friends who have become my family, and my church who has become more than I thought a church could become to me. It's so exciting, to know that what I'm stepping out to do is God's plan and I'm following Him in faith, and that what is to come will not be easy, but it will be rewarding. I have never been so sure and grounded in what is to come, even though the details I normally would crave are not here yet.

This is God's will for me. This is the process.

San Pedro Sula, Honduras will be my new home. More info to come!

He Never Gives Up.

There were days where I couldn't hear God speak. Those days turned into weeks which turned into months. I couldn't feel that my God was with me, but I knew He was. I had to trust that He was with me, otherwise I would have lost everything in my life. I would have fallen into a different world, feeling forced into a new and drastic lifestyle where I would've convinced myself was the only option. I can definitely see how people go "off the deep end" in order to feel something comfortable and new again. The enemy has a slight and cunning way of making it feel like it's the best and only option. I'm so glad my God never gave up on me. I'm so glad I never gave up on my God.

Over the past 6 months, I've been in that state of not feeling God or hearing God. And it only got more intense as time went on. No matter what I did, no matter who I was around, nothing changed. It was so frustrating during the time, but I'm forever grateful that He challenged me in my faith. I would want to be around people, and then it was too overwhelming, and I would just leave without any words and run to my car and literally weep while driving. I had no words to explain how I was feeling. It only felt like God was doing something inside me, changing and growing me into some woman who I knew nothing about.

After awhile, I began to just become completely honest with God. I literally cried to Him, I gave Him my anger, I explained in what ways I did not trust Him, I asked and pleaded for peace and a new passion. That was another aspect of my life that went missing. My normal personality and willingness to help others at my job was gone. It was something I couldn't even control. I would have an amazing day, and once I started working, my demeanor changed. I know we all struggle with work, but this was such a change compared to my usual fervor and devoted nature to helping kids.

I just wasn't me anymore. I struggled with thoughts that I never would have even imagined. My actions became so different. I wasn't the girl I knew before and I wasn't the woman that I knew God had promised I'd be. I was just "in the inbetween". Kind of fitting since that's my blog title.

At this point, I had had enough. I threw out my feelings of being stuck, of the feeling of going nowhere, and continued to press into God. I began a devotional of the Fruit of the Spirit. It's a Beth Moore Bible study, and I've always strayed away from cliches (and this one would be in that category for me) but this was something I had complete freedom to complete at my own pace. My mother also led the study in her church and has done many studies of hers before and the results have been beyond phenomenal. Why not give it a chance, right? You can't argue with the goodness and truth that has been a result. I was literally in my first week, just the foundation of the study, and I felt so incredibly different. The majority of my thoughts and feelings were the same and I still couldn't hear/feel the Lord, but I had peace. I was in comfort. This was the beginning of change.

I was able to get away, far away. I went to Honduras to visit my dad, stepmom, and two stepsisters for 5 days for one of my sisters' birthdays. Once I left Nashville, it was like I was able to breathe again. I felt relief. I felt clarity. And once I landed in Honduras, nothing existed outside of it. It was by far the most dangerous and most poor place I've ever been to (I've traveled to Mexico, Costa Rica, Guatemala, and Peru) but I had never felt more at home. I was completely comfortable being immersed in the family, community, culture, and language.

God opened His love for me in Honduras, and I allowed Him to love me. That was a major part, me allowing the Lord to love me. When I was writing in my journal, I began to write about how much I felt loved by the people there and how much I fell in love with them. The Lord immediately switched my thought and told me,

"No Maria, this is how much I love you. I'm showing you how much I love you by their love and by your love for them. I am showing you My love for you through your comfort here. I have given you this desire, the desire to travel, and I am cultivating it and I am growing that in you. I have not forgotten. There is a permanence for you here."

I couldn't believe what had happened! I was, and still am, so happy that He would be so generous with His love for me! I have never experienced the Lord and His love in such a genuine and deep way before. I can't help but smile so big and so bright from it!

God answered so many prayers during this trip to Honduras:

 I could hear His voice and feel His presence!

My relationship with my dad was reconciled!

He gave me passion again!

He promised me something new: a permanence in Honduras for a people and culture that I love!

He fulfilled my desire to travel!

He graciously allowed me to communicate in Spanish, in a way that went beyond my simple knowledge of the language.

A deeper connection with my two sisters, Paola and Abi, and my stepmom, Reina.

He showed me that I can love like a mother loves! (thanks to some incredibly special kids as well!)

And God is taking me back to Honduras for 2 weeks this month!!

I am just blown away by how God consistently LOVES me and PROVIDES for me! He cares so much about you, about me, about all of us that He will give us the time we need while continually bringing us closer to Him. I don't know how He does it, but I am so glad He never gives up. I'm so thankful for His love. I'm so thankful for Him. 

I cannot wait to see and experience the next adventure of my life with Him!