The tough part about friendships.

My life has always consisted of traveling, adventure. But it took a backhold to paying for gas and other "necessities". Then came college where I really felt the heavy pressure of loans and the need to pay for them. (One summer I had 3 jobs, and don't ask me how I time-managed it all plus enjoying friendships but I became a wonderfully detailed girl, and still had time for travels.) During the years where everyone said to travel, I worked. I worked when I had no real bills to pay. I learned a whole lot about white-collar, minimum-wage, real-world entrepenuer-ing but I'm not necessarily proud of the fact that I can carry 4 plates full of food to a table, although it is a nifty time saver when I'm clearing the table at home after a meal. Now, I'm making up for the time when I said, "I'll travel later." I put my work ahead of my desires but now I'm letting my adventurous spirit forge ahead. It's simply a choice.

So I've put traveling at the front of my to-do list. In the past year and a half, my travels haven't been for a few days or vacation-esque but for months at a time. I've left my home and tried to live in another country. For me, to leave "home" isn't the issue or the hard part, it's when I'm away and after I've said goodbyes that becomes the difficulty, where I feel most weak and afraid. I'm not scared to travel but I dread saying goodbye's. I know what's going to happen next.

You aren't in the routine anymore, and quite honestly, people forget about you. Or least you feel forgotten. That turns into feeling abandoned and it's hard not let that slide into bitterness. When I see groups of friends here doing what I miss so much from my own back home, I long for that same kind of connection, and even the internet can't replicate it.

You can't have the person to person interaction, so what can you have when you're so far away? It becomes about the simple things. A Facebook message or post, a Skype session (but only if the internet signal is strong enough) a phone call, a letter. You have no idea how much the little things matter when they only come once every few weeks, or months, or hardly ever. A phone call has literally changed my entire WEEK. I don't feel left out, forgotten, but I feel connected to the life that I was once apart of.

But what I forget is that those friendships happened over time, with lots of investment, and similarities between us. We studied homework together, destressed by talking about those awful customers where we waitressed, or pointed out that cute guy walking around campus. In an instant, we came to the defense of our "bestie", possibly with chocolate or a drink, when the complete idiot broke up with her. (How could the douche not see what we saw??) We sympathized, encouraged, and loved each other.

It's daunting to start friendships all over again, no matter where you are. It's heartbreaking to see those friendships slide farther away. At times, I don't even want to replicate my friendships from the states, and at other times, I want to forget all about them so I can fully replace them here. Both aren't good ideas. It's hard to let go, to not know what's happening in your dearest friends' lives simply because you live in another place. I still haven't found or experienced that "happy medium" where you can have both well.

This blog post isn't going to sum up nicely or give any type of counsel to someone looking for answers. I'm going to end it with my own thoughts saying don't forget about the friends and family that are far away, or on the other side of town. If you think about them, tell them. Make an effort and be intentional because it means the WORLD, especially when you're on the other side of it.

The time I told God "No"

I told God "No." when I graduated college. That I wasn't moving, that I wouldn't leave Nashville. I didn't want Him to take me away from where I finally felt like what I had was home, where my friends were more than what I could've imagined, and where I had a deep passion and desire for my work. I just straight up said, "No. I'm not moving. It's not even an option." And for some reason, the Lord graciously heard me. He saw past my ignorant statement and past my pride, and saw how much I thought I really needed this place.

He allowed me to stay in Nashville.

He also blessed my work at Rocketown. I felt apart of a ministry, a job, eventually a church, and as always, close to my friends. He blessed me beyond measure.

In that blessing, there came struggle and heartache. Because I was so closed off to moving, God did His work in me in all the ways where I had said "No." before. I was uncomfortable, and I was just worn out from resisting His work in me for so long. Once that resistance gave up, He began to tear my identity away from my job. The support of my friends was no longer enough. Even my church family was the slightest comfort. But it all wasn't enough. God took me from my complete ignorance and led me through this winding, confusing, and sometimes agonizing path of softening my heart that didn't feel so soft at all. It hurt, and badly. But I knew it was necessary. I had peace in God's work. At one point, I could not put any of what I was feeling or going through into words, but I knew and trusted in what He was doing, even if it meant I would feel without words and be a crying mess for the rest of my life. I was willing to go through with this because I knew that I had my God. And I knew I'd come out better on the other side of this struggle.

Two things I think were key in this amazing process: I was completely honest with God and I allowed myself to be changed. I keep coming back to those two decisions that made me open and vulnerable with God and kept me in a place of desire to change.

Now, in that same state, I'm moving from the place I've truly called home since 2005. It will be happening. In the simple response of me not leaving Nashville to the process of allowing God to fully take me and transform me to do whatever He would like, I am moving.

This is the best part, in my opinion, because I'm moving to Honduras in August! I'm moving home to Indiana at the beginning of June so I can be with family, friends, and prepare for this next amazing phase in my life. My family is the best to be around (my step mom and sisters are Honduran) because I can learn the language, culture, and really dedicate myself spiritually and mentally. I miss my family incredibly and really desire to be an aunt, daughter, and sister to them. I haven't had that desire either, so I know it's a gift that the Lord has done in me.

It's all bittersweet, to leave the familiarity of Nashville, my friends who have become my family, and my church who has become more than I thought a church could become to me. It's so exciting, to know that what I'm stepping out to do is God's plan and I'm following Him in faith, and that what is to come will not be easy, but it will be rewarding. I have never been so sure and grounded in what is to come, even though the details I normally would crave are not here yet.

This is God's will for me. This is the process.

San Pedro Sula, Honduras will be my new home. More info to come!