A Chance to Change.

Father,

You have opened my heart, You have gently held me. 

You speak sweetly in my ears and into my heart.

Your tenderheartedness is so clear. 

You are wanting me to see me as You do. To be proud of myself as You are proud. To view myself as beauty and grace, as You have given me Your beauty and grace. I am all things from You and yet I struggle with accepting Your truth. 

I feel like I've been stunted at ages 16-18 when my parents divorced. I didn't receive the affirmation of how beautiful I was from my dad or see how to show my femininity in a healthy way from my mom. (My parents are great and they did far more greater things than negative things in my hindsighted opinion.) I'm thankful for how content I was as a kid, but that contentment became paralyzing for me. I never changed my outlook on myself. My clothes even stayed the same and excuses to stay the same only grew. "No money, I don't like to shop, I don't feel comfortable in the clothes, I look fat, etc." I wonder if  I even would've gone shopping if my mom took me. I'm sure she tried but I just didn't care at a young age and I'm sure she took that as my same stance when I was older. I was given money to buy clothes myself but I chose what was important to me at the time and it wasn't clothing. It was people and accessibility. I used my money for that.

Now, at 25, living with my dad and family again back in my hometown, I'm back to being a kid. My inner "16-18 year old" self is reliving in a new perspective. It's almost like I have a chance to do things differently this time around. I'm starting as a teen and becoming a woman. But a woman of God, a woman with a solid foundation of faith.

Father, create in me a feminine mind and thought, of myself and how You see and have made my femininity. Begin to eclipse my previous mindset with a new one, one that is precious and full of beauty, seeing and experiencing myself as a woman. When I look into the mirror Lord, rid my mind of excuses and settle me in what You say when you see my reflection. You have created me as beautiful, simply as I am. But when I put on make up or choose clothes Lord, I want it to be as I am adorning You with what I choose, not to receive compliments or attention to to make me feel better in the moment, but because I am a Holy Temple and I want to be beautiful for You.

Mirrored Beauty

As I began my day the same way I normally do, I looked into the mirror and I liked my complexion. I liked the way I looked.  No make up, no hair do. I've struggled and not struggled with my appearance, and ironically, the older I got the more I became conscious of how I looked and how others perceived me. But today, I saw someone in the mirror that looked plain, simple, beautiful. It was if I was looking at this girl from another one's eyes.

I've never been the girly girl who liked playing dress up (unless there was some fun adventure that I could create using my imagination that involved getting dirty and playing in my woods and creek backyard). I was the tom boy who loved to play sports, playing with my little brother, and who always got along with the guys. I only wore make up once in high school, and that was for Junior Prom, and when I looked into the mirror after a family friend made me up with all the Mary Kay there was, I was shocked. The me in the mirror wasn't me. I remember thinking, "This is how others see me? Why do people need this much stuff on their faces to be pretty? I don't even look like me."

I couldn't grasp the concept. I eventually ended up liking the way I looked for Junior Prom because I had to. It would've been rude for me to not like what this wonderful lady did for me on her free time. And I was honestly grateful, but it still came down to the fact that this face wasn't the Maria that I always saw in the mirror. I looked great for my date (he was actually one of my friend's boyfriends that she let me borrow for the night) and I had an amazing time. But I'm convinced that I would've had just as an amazing time without being dolled up with makeup.

Even now, I don't understand the need for altering who I am to be seen as beautiful in the eyes of the people I meet. Even with clothes, I don't get it. I am who I am. God made me who I am and He loves all of me, with or without makeup and with or without trendy clothes that fit my figure.

This is my decision and my battle. You are different than me, and we will see things in creatively unique ways. Neither way is right or wrong. But what is important is that our worth does not come from the foundation, eyeliner, or mascara that we put on every morning. Even if we forget to put that on, or it doesn't turn out in our favor, you're still beautiful. You are still desired. You are still loved. What God says about you is true, not because He says it, but because you are. There is no separation of the beauty and intricacy of who you are.

This is one of my good days, and believe me, there are so many days when I plead with Father to let me see myself through His eyes. And He does! And it's far more than beauty that I see when He gives me a glimpse into how He views me. He allows me to see within me, the characteristics that make me beautiful, the way I am composed, and even what He is doing within me to soften and grow me into a more mature woman. I encourage you to do the same. Ask Father how He sees you. Allow Him to open your eyes to the woman that you already are. You are worth far more than the way you present yourself on the outside with makeup, clothes, and hairstyles. Believe what our Father is telling you about who you are, not who you think you are, but the woman of faith and beauty that you are right now.

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."         I Peter 3:3-4