A Chance to Change.

Father,

You have opened my heart, You have gently held me. 

You speak sweetly in my ears and into my heart.

Your tenderheartedness is so clear. 

You are wanting me to see me as You do. To be proud of myself as You are proud. To view myself as beauty and grace, as You have given me Your beauty and grace. I am all things from You and yet I struggle with accepting Your truth. 

I feel like I've been stunted at ages 16-18 when my parents divorced. I didn't receive the affirmation of how beautiful I was from my dad or see how to show my femininity in a healthy way from my mom. (My parents are great and they did far more greater things than negative things in my hindsighted opinion.) I'm thankful for how content I was as a kid, but that contentment became paralyzing for me. I never changed my outlook on myself. My clothes even stayed the same and excuses to stay the same only grew. "No money, I don't like to shop, I don't feel comfortable in the clothes, I look fat, etc." I wonder if  I even would've gone shopping if my mom took me. I'm sure she tried but I just didn't care at a young age and I'm sure she took that as my same stance when I was older. I was given money to buy clothes myself but I chose what was important to me at the time and it wasn't clothing. It was people and accessibility. I used my money for that.

Now, at 25, living with my dad and family again back in my hometown, I'm back to being a kid. My inner "16-18 year old" self is reliving in a new perspective. It's almost like I have a chance to do things differently this time around. I'm starting as a teen and becoming a woman. But a woman of God, a woman with a solid foundation of faith.

Father, create in me a feminine mind and thought, of myself and how You see and have made my femininity. Begin to eclipse my previous mindset with a new one, one that is precious and full of beauty, seeing and experiencing myself as a woman. When I look into the mirror Lord, rid my mind of excuses and settle me in what You say when you see my reflection. You have created me as beautiful, simply as I am. But when I put on make up or choose clothes Lord, I want it to be as I am adorning You with what I choose, not to receive compliments or attention to to make me feel better in the moment, but because I am a Holy Temple and I want to be beautiful for You.

The time I told God "No"

I told God "No." when I graduated college. That I wasn't moving, that I wouldn't leave Nashville. I didn't want Him to take me away from where I finally felt like what I had was home, where my friends were more than what I could've imagined, and where I had a deep passion and desire for my work. I just straight up said, "No. I'm not moving. It's not even an option." And for some reason, the Lord graciously heard me. He saw past my ignorant statement and past my pride, and saw how much I thought I really needed this place.

He allowed me to stay in Nashville.

He also blessed my work at Rocketown. I felt apart of a ministry, a job, eventually a church, and as always, close to my friends. He blessed me beyond measure.

In that blessing, there came struggle and heartache. Because I was so closed off to moving, God did His work in me in all the ways where I had said "No." before. I was uncomfortable, and I was just worn out from resisting His work in me for so long. Once that resistance gave up, He began to tear my identity away from my job. The support of my friends was no longer enough. Even my church family was the slightest comfort. But it all wasn't enough. God took me from my complete ignorance and led me through this winding, confusing, and sometimes agonizing path of softening my heart that didn't feel so soft at all. It hurt, and badly. But I knew it was necessary. I had peace in God's work. At one point, I could not put any of what I was feeling or going through into words, but I knew and trusted in what He was doing, even if it meant I would feel without words and be a crying mess for the rest of my life. I was willing to go through with this because I knew that I had my God. And I knew I'd come out better on the other side of this struggle.

Two things I think were key in this amazing process: I was completely honest with God and I allowed myself to be changed. I keep coming back to those two decisions that made me open and vulnerable with God and kept me in a place of desire to change.

Now, in that same state, I'm moving from the place I've truly called home since 2005. It will be happening. In the simple response of me not leaving Nashville to the process of allowing God to fully take me and transform me to do whatever He would like, I am moving.

This is the best part, in my opinion, because I'm moving to Honduras in August! I'm moving home to Indiana at the beginning of June so I can be with family, friends, and prepare for this next amazing phase in my life. My family is the best to be around (my step mom and sisters are Honduran) because I can learn the language, culture, and really dedicate myself spiritually and mentally. I miss my family incredibly and really desire to be an aunt, daughter, and sister to them. I haven't had that desire either, so I know it's a gift that the Lord has done in me.

It's all bittersweet, to leave the familiarity of Nashville, my friends who have become my family, and my church who has become more than I thought a church could become to me. It's so exciting, to know that what I'm stepping out to do is God's plan and I'm following Him in faith, and that what is to come will not be easy, but it will be rewarding. I have never been so sure and grounded in what is to come, even though the details I normally would crave are not here yet.

This is God's will for me. This is the process.

San Pedro Sula, Honduras will be my new home. More info to come!