The tough part about friendships.

My life has always consisted of traveling, adventure. But it took a backhold to paying for gas and other "necessities". Then came college where I really felt the heavy pressure of loans and the need to pay for them. (One summer I had 3 jobs, and don't ask me how I time-managed it all plus enjoying friendships but I became a wonderfully detailed girl, and still had time for travels.) During the years where everyone said to travel, I worked. I worked when I had no real bills to pay. I learned a whole lot about white-collar, minimum-wage, real-world entrepenuer-ing but I'm not necessarily proud of the fact that I can carry 4 plates full of food to a table, although it is a nifty time saver when I'm clearing the table at home after a meal. Now, I'm making up for the time when I said, "I'll travel later." I put my work ahead of my desires but now I'm letting my adventurous spirit forge ahead. It's simply a choice.

So I've put traveling at the front of my to-do list. In the past year and a half, my travels haven't been for a few days or vacation-esque but for months at a time. I've left my home and tried to live in another country. For me, to leave "home" isn't the issue or the hard part, it's when I'm away and after I've said goodbyes that becomes the difficulty, where I feel most weak and afraid. I'm not scared to travel but I dread saying goodbye's. I know what's going to happen next.

You aren't in the routine anymore, and quite honestly, people forget about you. Or least you feel forgotten. That turns into feeling abandoned and it's hard not let that slide into bitterness. When I see groups of friends here doing what I miss so much from my own back home, I long for that same kind of connection, and even the internet can't replicate it.

You can't have the person to person interaction, so what can you have when you're so far away? It becomes about the simple things. A Facebook message or post, a Skype session (but only if the internet signal is strong enough) a phone call, a letter. You have no idea how much the little things matter when they only come once every few weeks, or months, or hardly ever. A phone call has literally changed my entire WEEK. I don't feel left out, forgotten, but I feel connected to the life that I was once apart of.

But what I forget is that those friendships happened over time, with lots of investment, and similarities between us. We studied homework together, destressed by talking about those awful customers where we waitressed, or pointed out that cute guy walking around campus. In an instant, we came to the defense of our "bestie", possibly with chocolate or a drink, when the complete idiot broke up with her. (How could the douche not see what we saw??) We sympathized, encouraged, and loved each other.

It's daunting to start friendships all over again, no matter where you are. It's heartbreaking to see those friendships slide farther away. At times, I don't even want to replicate my friendships from the states, and at other times, I want to forget all about them so I can fully replace them here. Both aren't good ideas. It's hard to let go, to not know what's happening in your dearest friends' lives simply because you live in another place. I still haven't found or experienced that "happy medium" where you can have both well.

This blog post isn't going to sum up nicely or give any type of counsel to someone looking for answers. I'm going to end it with my own thoughts saying don't forget about the friends and family that are far away, or on the other side of town. If you think about them, tell them. Make an effort and be intentional because it means the WORLD, especially when you're on the other side of it.

God's Will, Love, A Relationship, and Control

I kept asking that question over and over in Honduras - "God, what is Your will?"

I stopped asking what His will was for my life, what that specific plan was that He had for me, because I wasn't getting any answers and I was told I was asking the wrong questions. (Thank you Pastor Brian.) I was also asking for the wrong reasons. I'm a planner and an organizer, so I wanted to know what the Lord's plan was for my life so I could prepare and I could plan how it would follow out instead of laying my plans and trust in His hands.

It makes sense now that I was asking the wrong questions. I was asking them out of selfishness to what I wanted, thinking that what I wanted was greater than what God wanted to do with me. (Wow, I was trying to manipulate God into getting what I wanted. What a joke! I'm laughing at myself now.)

And as I'm looking back, I'm so thankful my pastor didn't come out and just say, "Maria, you're being selfish. Stop it. It's not about you." because that probably would've devastated my hidden, soft, interior while my exterior would be hardened and proclaiming to the world that I'm not selfish, I'm strong, and how the honest truth doesn't hurt me. My pastor let me figure it out on my own, just as the Lord did as well. But there was always guidance, consistent guidance. And always love.

It's an awful feeling, that thought of letting go of the control you have on whatever particular thing you're grasping to, knowing that you don't know what's going to happen next. But it's just the thought that paralyzes us into fear of letting go. It's a false thought that we have any control of our lives, and not to write that to scare anyone, because the Lord has us so incredibly protected and He doesn't want to see us in pain or suffering. Remember, God's will is Love. God's will is a love relationship. God is Love. But when that suffering comes, also remember that He knows every detail of the victory, and all we need to know is that the victory comes. Actually, the victory is already here!

I was asking God for a metaphor for trusting Him and letting go of control and He reminded me of how little kids ride on their fathers' shoulders. Your dad was always the one lifting you up, right? He always had you in his hands. It'd be terrifying getting up there and getting back down to the ground, because you have to fly through the air to do so, but once you were up on your dad's shoulder, you were safe. You trusted him to get you there.

My dad would be grasp my little legs and feet and I would be curled over holding his forehead for my life. I was scared to be up to high, and even though my dad would never let me fall and he had me locked in his hands, you're literally twice or three times the height of yourself. Of course, it's scary as a kid. Imagine that now as an adult! So I would "drive" my dad by turning his head, going whichever way I wanted him to go. Totally that false control that I had over steering my dad in the way I wanted to go, but he would play along until his head got tired of being yanked around so abruptly in my impatience to just stay still.

I am adventurous, I want to explore, and I want to do it my way, but God wants to do it His way. It's not my plans that God comes into alignment with. It's me, submitting to Him, trusting Him, that He is who He says He is, and that I can trust in that even when I'm terrified of letting go and moving forward.

It's simple, so when things get complicated or overwhelming in your life, remember these verses:

I Thessalonians 4:16-18

¹⁶ Rejoice always, ¹⁷ pray continually, ¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.