He Never Gives Up.

There were days where I couldn't hear God speak. Those days turned into weeks which turned into months. I couldn't feel that my God was with me, but I knew He was. I had to trust that He was with me, otherwise I would have lost everything in my life. I would have fallen into a different world, feeling forced into a new and drastic lifestyle where I would've convinced myself was the only option. I can definitely see how people go "off the deep end" in order to feel something comfortable and new again. The enemy has a slight and cunning way of making it feel like it's the best and only option. I'm so glad my God never gave up on me. I'm so glad I never gave up on my God.

Over the past 6 months, I've been in that state of not feeling God or hearing God. And it only got more intense as time went on. No matter what I did, no matter who I was around, nothing changed. It was so frustrating during the time, but I'm forever grateful that He challenged me in my faith. I would want to be around people, and then it was too overwhelming, and I would just leave without any words and run to my car and literally weep while driving. I had no words to explain how I was feeling. It only felt like God was doing something inside me, changing and growing me into some woman who I knew nothing about.

After awhile, I began to just become completely honest with God. I literally cried to Him, I gave Him my anger, I explained in what ways I did not trust Him, I asked and pleaded for peace and a new passion. That was another aspect of my life that went missing. My normal personality and willingness to help others at my job was gone. It was something I couldn't even control. I would have an amazing day, and once I started working, my demeanor changed. I know we all struggle with work, but this was such a change compared to my usual fervor and devoted nature to helping kids.

I just wasn't me anymore. I struggled with thoughts that I never would have even imagined. My actions became so different. I wasn't the girl I knew before and I wasn't the woman that I knew God had promised I'd be. I was just "in the inbetween". Kind of fitting since that's my blog title.

At this point, I had had enough. I threw out my feelings of being stuck, of the feeling of going nowhere, and continued to press into God. I began a devotional of the Fruit of the Spirit. It's a Beth Moore Bible study, and I've always strayed away from cliches (and this one would be in that category for me) but this was something I had complete freedom to complete at my own pace. My mother also led the study in her church and has done many studies of hers before and the results have been beyond phenomenal. Why not give it a chance, right? You can't argue with the goodness and truth that has been a result. I was literally in my first week, just the foundation of the study, and I felt so incredibly different. The majority of my thoughts and feelings were the same and I still couldn't hear/feel the Lord, but I had peace. I was in comfort. This was the beginning of change.

I was able to get away, far away. I went to Honduras to visit my dad, stepmom, and two stepsisters for 5 days for one of my sisters' birthdays. Once I left Nashville, it was like I was able to breathe again. I felt relief. I felt clarity. And once I landed in Honduras, nothing existed outside of it. It was by far the most dangerous and most poor place I've ever been to (I've traveled to Mexico, Costa Rica, Guatemala, and Peru) but I had never felt more at home. I was completely comfortable being immersed in the family, community, culture, and language.

God opened His love for me in Honduras, and I allowed Him to love me. That was a major part, me allowing the Lord to love me. When I was writing in my journal, I began to write about how much I felt loved by the people there and how much I fell in love with them. The Lord immediately switched my thought and told me,

"No Maria, this is how much I love you. I'm showing you how much I love you by their love and by your love for them. I am showing you My love for you through your comfort here. I have given you this desire, the desire to travel, and I am cultivating it and I am growing that in you. I have not forgotten. There is a permanence for you here."

I couldn't believe what had happened! I was, and still am, so happy that He would be so generous with His love for me! I have never experienced the Lord and His love in such a genuine and deep way before. I can't help but smile so big and so bright from it!

God answered so many prayers during this trip to Honduras:

 I could hear His voice and feel His presence!

My relationship with my dad was reconciled!

He gave me passion again!

He promised me something new: a permanence in Honduras for a people and culture that I love!

He fulfilled my desire to travel!

He graciously allowed me to communicate in Spanish, in a way that went beyond my simple knowledge of the language.

A deeper connection with my two sisters, Paola and Abi, and my stepmom, Reina.

He showed me that I can love like a mother loves! (thanks to some incredibly special kids as well!)

And God is taking me back to Honduras for 2 weeks this month!!

I am just blown away by how God consistently LOVES me and PROVIDES for me! He cares so much about you, about me, about all of us that He will give us the time we need while continually bringing us closer to Him. I don't know how He does it, but I am so glad He never gives up. I'm so thankful for His love. I'm so thankful for Him. 

I cannot wait to see and experience the next adventure of my life with Him!

Mirrored Beauty

As I began my day the same way I normally do, I looked into the mirror and I liked my complexion. I liked the way I looked.  No make up, no hair do. I've struggled and not struggled with my appearance, and ironically, the older I got the more I became conscious of how I looked and how others perceived me. But today, I saw someone in the mirror that looked plain, simple, beautiful. It was if I was looking at this girl from another one's eyes.

I've never been the girly girl who liked playing dress up (unless there was some fun adventure that I could create using my imagination that involved getting dirty and playing in my woods and creek backyard). I was the tom boy who loved to play sports, playing with my little brother, and who always got along with the guys. I only wore make up once in high school, and that was for Junior Prom, and when I looked into the mirror after a family friend made me up with all the Mary Kay there was, I was shocked. The me in the mirror wasn't me. I remember thinking, "This is how others see me? Why do people need this much stuff on their faces to be pretty? I don't even look like me."

I couldn't grasp the concept. I eventually ended up liking the way I looked for Junior Prom because I had to. It would've been rude for me to not like what this wonderful lady did for me on her free time. And I was honestly grateful, but it still came down to the fact that this face wasn't the Maria that I always saw in the mirror. I looked great for my date (he was actually one of my friend's boyfriends that she let me borrow for the night) and I had an amazing time. But I'm convinced that I would've had just as an amazing time without being dolled up with makeup.

Even now, I don't understand the need for altering who I am to be seen as beautiful in the eyes of the people I meet. Even with clothes, I don't get it. I am who I am. God made me who I am and He loves all of me, with or without makeup and with or without trendy clothes that fit my figure.

This is my decision and my battle. You are different than me, and we will see things in creatively unique ways. Neither way is right or wrong. But what is important is that our worth does not come from the foundation, eyeliner, or mascara that we put on every morning. Even if we forget to put that on, or it doesn't turn out in our favor, you're still beautiful. You are still desired. You are still loved. What God says about you is true, not because He says it, but because you are. There is no separation of the beauty and intricacy of who you are.

This is one of my good days, and believe me, there are so many days when I plead with Father to let me see myself through His eyes. And He does! And it's far more than beauty that I see when He gives me a glimpse into how He views me. He allows me to see within me, the characteristics that make me beautiful, the way I am composed, and even what He is doing within me to soften and grow me into a more mature woman. I encourage you to do the same. Ask Father how He sees you. Allow Him to open your eyes to the woman that you already are. You are worth far more than the way you present yourself on the outside with makeup, clothes, and hairstyles. Believe what our Father is telling you about who you are, not who you think you are, but the woman of faith and beauty that you are right now.

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."         I Peter 3:3-4