The Letter Series: Dear Daughter

To My Dear Daughter,

This is the hardest letter I've had to write...

This is my letter to you about the time that I did not break up with the man who isn't your father. I wish I could say that I ended my relationship with him when I originally intended to, and when I first thought to write you this note, but out of fear, complacency, and insecurity I chose to stay with the man who isn't your dad. 

Darling, you will face such a time as this. You will go through heartbreak but I pray that you will have the wisdom and strength to avoid the mistakes I put myself in. One of my biggest mistakes was the first man I loved.

You see, we were both attracted to each other, and that's what brought us together but it wasn't what made us stay together. A lot of insecurity made us stay together. We were two incredibly broken people who had too many faults to be able to work them out while considering someone else's feelings.

While you grow up, you have the blissful freedom of knowing who you are while you're figuring out who you want to be. It's a blessing and a curse. You have so much freedom but so little wisdom... making mistakes along the way is almost guaranteed. But it's what you do in and beyond those mistakes that help mold you into a more beautiful and strong woman than you already are. Hopefully, your father and I, your family, have done a good enough job of building a base for you to be able to search for yourself independently.

Your grandparents raised me well. At a young age, they understood who I was and what I needed, at least your grandmother did. I was a tough girl who had to come to the conclusion on her own, even if it took days or longer (which is my norm). If it weren't for their divorce, I can say that I wouldn't have chosen to be friends with a certain crowd or be with some guys that I have been with in my past.

But ultimately, I am the one responsible for my actions. I was missing a lot of love from your grandfather; he withheld that love and I sought to find what was missing with other guys in their affection and love, regardless if it was pure and honest or not. Just to bring you to the end of the story, it was the opposite of being pure and honest.

You may come across a time, sweetie, that you find yourself where I was: where you need to choose yourself and wellbeing over the fear of losing your dreams. You know what is best for you but I pray that you will have the assurance to carry out your decision. Because you are worth every bit of goodness and hope that there is in this world.

If you do not choose yourself, fear will creep in and evolve if you do not act. It'll develop and overwhelm you to the point of paralyzation. You'll convince yourself that any move is a bad move. Staying in a place or relationship where this is the common result is toxic. That was my relationship with the man that isn't your father.

Daughter, do not forget how precious and fearless you really are. You are strong and a go-getter, independent and motivated. Do not forget who you were as a child while you are growing into a woman. You will find yourself looking back on your childhood when you were only afraid of the dark and fictitious monsters, relishing that those were your sole fears.

To end this letter, Sweet Girl, you are made for more than this struggle, and more than a single relationship. God has descriptive and massive plans for you. Take your days to know Him and He will lead you in those plans. You'll be in these incredible plans and will not even know until He reveals all that He's done for you to get where you are.

God did not give up on me when I was far away from Him, and He will not give up on You.

I love you more than you know, Daughter and I can't wait to meet you and know you.

Love,

Your Mother
Written 09/29/2015

To My Mom

Today is my mom's birthday and I'm such a good daughter that I'm not going to tell you her age. In my mind, she's has forever been 50 years old. You see, we got new phone numbers back in the olden days when you weren't able to keep your current number after you switched services (#firstworldproblems) and she told me how she remembered the last four of her number - 5149, "I'm right in-between", she said. So hence, she's been 50 for years.

She's the best and I don't tell her enough, or at all even. (Ah! I'm a horrible daughter!)

But I miss her.

She has put up with so much of my anger, my spite, my fears, my yelling and crying, my scary adventures, my doubt, my irrationality as a teenager, my irrationality as a college student, my irrationality as a now adult. (God be with all moms of girls.)

Oddly enough my mom, not me, is galavanting around in another country for her birthday! She's basking in the sun and living up the "Pura Vida" in Costa Rica with my sister, brother in law, and her three stinkin' cute grandchildren.

But I miss her.

I've always been independent and have lived away from home since I could live away from home. My mom and I are not the type that talk to each other every day or even every week. When we talk, it's special and meaningful to me. I know that what we're sharing is intentional.

I call my mom when I need help and advice like any other normal kid. I did that just the other day while she was in Costa Rica. I couldn't actually call her because she was in another country. My iphone was broken so my way of Face-timing and Skype was out. I had to call my sister through Facebook Messenger (#firstworldproblems) so I could talk to my mom.

I was having a mini panic attack and when the world is crumbling around you, that's exactly when you need your mommy. I just needed someone to listen and empathize because nothing could be fixed in that moment. She did that for me while we were in different countries as I laid crying on the floor and feeling so hopeless. Even if you can't have your mom hug you, you just need to hear, "Honey, it's going to be okay." Even if you don't believe yourself, you still believe her. Because Mom's are always right.

She's always there for me.

But enough about me.

I only remember a minuscule amount out of a billion times that my mom has been there for me...and Facebook helped with that. But here's a few pictures and memories that make me love my mom a bajillion more...

My mom came from Indiana to celebrate my graduation from ministry school in Nashville, TN. She also surprised me by bringing two of my best friends from high school into town too. She bought us all ice cream at Maggie Moo's and tickets to see one of the funniest comedy shows that I still laugh about to this day. (I don't know where that jacket it. I miss that too.)

• All the goodies my mom makes for Christmas - whoopie pies, fudge, christmas cookies, coffee cake, shrimp. She always knows what we like! The little gift baskets for holidays like Easter, Valentine's Day, Christmas stockings. Those were always special things that I looked forward to because I knew how much thought she put into them!

Family selfie in our hotel room in Carlisle, PA where we got to be together to celebrate my little brother getting married! Mom paid for the whole hotel room for us + food + brought me a gift because she didn't want me to feel left out since Kyle got a wedding present and Krista turned 30! Cue: "Aww!"

• I'm always traveling for work over my birthday in November and she has always, always sent me some present or surprise in whatever state I happen to be in. This year, she sent me Sharry's Berries (delicious!) and an adult coloring book complete with a pencil set that everyone has been jealous of. She even said that this was a "leap of faith" present because she didn't know if I'd like it. She was right -- like always.

College graduation! I remember not even wanting to walk or go to the ceremony but I'm glad I did so that I could celebrate with her. We had dinner with my parents plus their new spouses and it was the first time we'd all been together. It could've been really awkward but my mom is courageous and strong and is amazing.

• She supported me and came to a few college soccer games even though I didn't start and rarely played because of an injury. She's the best soccer mom.

Anyone who is related to my mom's side of the family knows exactly what this is -- Pie Night at Central Manor Camp! This is one of my favorite pictures of her in one of her favorite places. She just looks so genuinely happy and alive. She's always loved to serve and even in a fun night like Pie Night, she's serving well.

• My mom did so much "behind the scenes" when I was a kid that I didn't notice until I became an adult. She got everything ready when we went camping or on road trips, took me to countless soccer practices (some super early morning) and games, taught me when I didn't want to learn, let me play outside and be a free-spirit because she knew I wasn't ready to be in school, played games with us kids, and taught me how to use feminine products. You don't forget the things that your mom does for you.

My mom has always been ready with advice, counsel, and wisdom - even when I've never requested it ;) She's smart, wise, well-equipped, strong, courageous, beautiful, takes on challenges that I never would, freely gives, spiritual deep and strong, loves a lot and never gives up. There's so much that I am because of her.

Happy "50th" Birthday, Mom!

I Have A Confession...

Lately I've been more introspective than normal. When I start thinking more about myself, I spiral into thinking what I may or may not have done right, why I'm alone the majority of my day, what I could do better, if my days will always look like this. Introspection is quite dangerous if you leave yourself spiraling downward into the "Woe is me", but it is quite helpful if you allow it to help you become a better version of yourself.

I've started to really question WHY I like to travel and WHY I enjoy leaving the city that became home. When I started to ask myself these questions, confessions escaped. It's not pretty, and I did not intend to write solely about me and my issues, but vulnerability requires honesty. So thanks to my musical friend, Explosions in the Sky, for getting vulnerability out of my heart, words written down, and the tears flowing.

Why I Enjoy Leaving, Why I Enjoy Traveling, 

and the Confessions that Follow:

I ENJOY TRAVELING BECAUSE:

At one of the many coffee shops
in Chiang Mai, Thailand

-Traveling gives you new experiences--Everything you do and see is new, from a simple view outside a window, to a new dinner entree, or a form of transportation...it's all amazingly new.

Dropping off a new Kiwi friend, Josh,
in Bologna, Italy

-Traveling breaks down walls--the people you meet when you travel are like-minded, friendly, and ready to share their adventures and ask you to come along...like our friend from New Zealand -->

-Traveling helps you learn--it opens up your eyes and your heart to the cultures and customs in a new country/area.

-Traveling levels the playing field-- You realize that people are living their lives the way they've always known, yet it's different than the way you live yours but it seamlessly works for them. They have different struggles, different values, different 9-5 jobs, yet their days keep on moving. Just like ours.

Confession: I believe that I become the fullest version of myself when I'm traveling. I feel my freest. I'm open to possibilities and welcome delays in my plans. I'm full with excitement and even the smallest and newest of things brings me happiness.

I ENJOY LEAVING BECAUSE:

-Leaving lets you escape crappy weather, and when it's the worst and coldest weather ever, I just want to be on the beach and in warmth which is where I truly belong. This is probably the only good excuse for leaving.

-Leaving lets you avoid rejection. I try and be intentional with people and when that isn't reciprocated, or when someone bails for better plans, I'm hurt, alone, and wondering why I'm not traveling.

Confession: It's easier for me to adjust to a completely new culture and custom than to re-build a friend group in Nashville after there have been so many drastic changes and many friendships ended because...

Confession: I don't believe that people want to continue knowing me.
So much stems from childhood, but I remember being "uninteresting" to my dad after I turned 12 years old. He just didn't want to know me after that. That has carried into my adult life, and I most likely perpetuate it, but it's still a big fear of mine.

Confession: I struggle to fit in to my own culture.
After getting chewed up and spit out of the Honduran culture because I couldn't be thin enough, pretty enough, woman enough, speak Spanish well enough, or be a good enough girlfriend, sister, daughter, or friend, it's hard to feel like I fit in here too.

Confession: I don't feel like people want to get to know me the way I want to get to know them.
I really want to try and meet people where they're at--physically, emotionally, spiritually--and try and do things that interest them more than myself, yet connections have been hard for me to come by since moving back to Nashville more than a year ago.

Confession: I don't think I've fully integrated back into Nashville culture after living in latin america for a couple years.
I experienced an insurmountable amount of betrayal in Honduras between relationships with my ex-boyfriend, my dad and his wife, and others in my ex's family. Yet when I came back to Nashville, absolutely no one knew about my personal tragedy. I was forced to go through the hardest experience of my life completely alone. No one was aware of the deepest pain I've ever had nor that I was in the darkest period of my life. It has been a downward slide and an uphill battle where I feel like I have only now plateaued to be able to see the view of possibilities for my life.

Simply traveling to "leave" is not a good or healthy decision because it usually involves a form of negativity. My wanderlust has encompassed my heart and my mind, and I'll admit, traveling is my comfort. I always await my next adventure, but I keep praying that those adventures will happen more closer to my door step and not always accompanied with a plane ticket.