God's Will, Love, A Relationship, and Control

I kept asking that question over and over in Honduras - "God, what is Your will?"

I stopped asking what His will was for my life, what that specific plan was that He had for me, because I wasn't getting any answers and I was told I was asking the wrong questions. (Thank you Pastor Brian.) I was also asking for the wrong reasons. I'm a planner and an organizer, so I wanted to know what the Lord's plan was for my life so I could prepare and I could plan how it would follow out instead of laying my plans and trust in His hands.

It makes sense now that I was asking the wrong questions. I was asking them out of selfishness to what I wanted, thinking that what I wanted was greater than what God wanted to do with me. (Wow, I was trying to manipulate God into getting what I wanted. What a joke! I'm laughing at myself now.)

And as I'm looking back, I'm so thankful my pastor didn't come out and just say, "Maria, you're being selfish. Stop it. It's not about you." because that probably would've devastated my hidden, soft, interior while my exterior would be hardened and proclaiming to the world that I'm not selfish, I'm strong, and how the honest truth doesn't hurt me. My pastor let me figure it out on my own, just as the Lord did as well. But there was always guidance, consistent guidance. And always love.

It's an awful feeling, that thought of letting go of the control you have on whatever particular thing you're grasping to, knowing that you don't know what's going to happen next. But it's just the thought that paralyzes us into fear of letting go. It's a false thought that we have any control of our lives, and not to write that to scare anyone, because the Lord has us so incredibly protected and He doesn't want to see us in pain or suffering. Remember, God's will is Love. God's will is a love relationship. God is Love. But when that suffering comes, also remember that He knows every detail of the victory, and all we need to know is that the victory comes. Actually, the victory is already here!

I was asking God for a metaphor for trusting Him and letting go of control and He reminded me of how little kids ride on their fathers' shoulders. Your dad was always the one lifting you up, right? He always had you in his hands. It'd be terrifying getting up there and getting back down to the ground, because you have to fly through the air to do so, but once you were up on your dad's shoulder, you were safe. You trusted him to get you there.

My dad would be grasp my little legs and feet and I would be curled over holding his forehead for my life. I was scared to be up to high, and even though my dad would never let me fall and he had me locked in his hands, you're literally twice or three times the height of yourself. Of course, it's scary as a kid. Imagine that now as an adult! So I would "drive" my dad by turning his head, going whichever way I wanted him to go. Totally that false control that I had over steering my dad in the way I wanted to go, but he would play along until his head got tired of being yanked around so abruptly in my impatience to just stay still.

I am adventurous, I want to explore, and I want to do it my way, but God wants to do it His way. It's not my plans that God comes into alignment with. It's me, submitting to Him, trusting Him, that He is who He says He is, and that I can trust in that even when I'm terrified of letting go and moving forward.

It's simple, so when things get complicated or overwhelming in your life, remember these verses:

I Thessalonians 4:16-18

¹⁶ Rejoice always, ¹⁷ pray continually, ¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

"Sweet Maria"

"Sweet Maria."

My heart melts as soon as I hear this. I almost immediately begin to cry.

My mom always called me her "sweet Maria" when I was little and I absolutely loved it. I love thinking back on it because I can hear my mom say it and I smile. You see pictures of me as a kid and you can tell. You can just plain see those words when seeing a picture of me as a kiddo.

During the whole growing up process, that sweetness was overpowered by so many other characteristics that I wanted to show...strength, determination, domination, aggressiveness...that was how you got noticed. That's how I was told to play sports. That's how attention was received. The quiet ones didn't seem to have the fun I had.

What was the initial change? What happened to where I thought my vulnerability displayed in sweetness was destructive to myself? What made me start to think differently?

But now, how I wish that I could think of myself as that "Sweet Maria" as my mother always called me. I do now and then, but it's a deep thought I have to have. I can see it in the moment, but it's not a characteristic I have fully claimed back into my life. Because honestly, I liked being strong one, I liked being known as capable.

But I liked being the strong one. I liked being capable.

Here in Honduras, with a few weeks down as a new resident, there's absolutely no way I can be who I was. I can't be aggressive, because people will be hurt and in general, the people are very calm and tranquil. I can't dominate in tasks, because I don't know what to do. I can't have an overwhelming determination, because I'm still learning. I can't be strong and capable, because the only thing that will get me through each day is humility.


Whatever my mindset was as a kid, when my mom called me "Sweet Maria", I want back. I would like that innocence back, to live without the fear of rejection or the memories of times gone wrong.

I would like to live a new day, every day, as Sweet Maria.