This is not where I want to be.

This is not where I want to be.

I am hurting over an ended relationship. I distanced myself from a criticizing and judgmental relationship with my father. I am back in a city that I moved away from 2 years ago to pursue a dream that never happened.

I feel betrayed. I feel like I didn't and don't matter. I don't feel like I'm enough. I was lied to, used, and was I really even loved?

I give my all in anything I set my mind and heart to. And I set my mind and heart to my ex-boyfriend and loved in ways I didn't think I could. I learned a new culture, a new language, a new role. I integrated myself into his family, assimilated to a culture, and continued to try and learn more so that we could become better, closer.

But one person can't control a relationship. I thought I could propel him, encourage him to know who I am. I thought that if I changed, he would respond differently. I thought that if I learned more about his culture, he would accept me. I thought that if I just did something different, he'd love me more.

At one time we were great. Things were so good I didn't think that I deserved him. He was compassionate, kind, responding, attentive, strong, caring, thoughtful, honest, loving. Then something just changed. I wish I knew what it was. But long story short, he got hurt in the process and I got hurt in the process.

We tried to make it work for longer than it should've been.
We may have grown apart.
We may have held judgements on outside circumstances that affected our relationship.
We may have been seeking ourselves in each other.
Whatever we may have done, may have ended us.

And I'm so angry. I'm so hurt. And yet I still want him back? There's something wrong with me. I laugh in the middle of my tears because that's where I'm at right now. He lacked decency, he was not honest. But I wasn't fully either. We're both flawed humans at fault.

Yet I can't convince myself that I deserve better. I would gladly turn around and be with him if the circumstances were right. I'm not ashamed to say the truth. I think if any girl saw a change in their love they would crumble into pieces and let him crawl right back into her heart.

I'm not strong enough for this. Honestly, I'm not. You may see me, see my life and think I'm the bravest person you've met in awhile. You may even envy my life, but please don't. I'm falling apart every day, and it's slow and painful. I wish I could see some silver lining, but it's not in my daily horizon.

It sometimes feels like a sick joke that God is playing on me. I don't know if this is character building, or if this is the enemy just wreaking havoc on one of his "fun" days. My whole past year has been a continuous "fun" day for him. Just being honest.

I'm just hurting; I don't want to see this as character building. 

I don't want to flip this and see it in a different light like I've always tried to do. 

I just want to see it for what it is right now. 

That I've been hurt deeply, that I want to cry, I want to be loved, and I want to be rescued - to know that I'm worth something more than what I currently feel.

Is that so much to ask?