"Sweet Maria"

"Sweet Maria."

My heart melts as soon as I hear this. I almost immediately begin to cry.

My mom always called me her "sweet Maria" when I was little and I absolutely loved it. I love thinking back on it because I can hear my mom say it and I smile. You see pictures of me as a kid and you can tell. You can just plain see those words when seeing a picture of me as a kiddo.

During the whole growing up process, that sweetness was overpowered by so many other characteristics that I wanted to show...strength, determination, domination, aggressiveness...that was how you got noticed. That's how I was told to play sports. That's how attention was received. The quiet ones didn't seem to have the fun I had.

What was the initial change? What happened to where I thought my vulnerability displayed in sweetness was destructive to myself? What made me start to think differently?

But now, how I wish that I could think of myself as that "Sweet Maria" as my mother always called me. I do now and then, but it's a deep thought I have to have. I can see it in the moment, but it's not a characteristic I have fully claimed back into my life. Because honestly, I liked being strong one, I liked being known as capable.

But I liked being the strong one. I liked being capable.

Here in Honduras, with a few weeks down as a new resident, there's absolutely no way I can be who I was. I can't be aggressive, because people will be hurt and in general, the people are very calm and tranquil. I can't dominate in tasks, because I don't know what to do. I can't have an overwhelming determination, because I'm still learning. I can't be strong and capable, because the only thing that will get me through each day is humility.


Whatever my mindset was as a kid, when my mom called me "Sweet Maria", I want back. I would like that innocence back, to live without the fear of rejection or the memories of times gone wrong.

I would like to live a new day, every day, as Sweet Maria.