Confrontation: Blessing

A lot has been done in a little over a month. God didn't waste any time working in me and bringing emotions and feelings to me that I had suppressed for years. Now that my mind and body aren't being consumed with work or with friends, I have given that available time to the Lord. I should've been doing this a long time ago, but thank the Lord that He's gracious and patient with me! So in my time to do nothing, a lot has happened. God basically told me, "Maria, I'm going to bring up a lot of emotions and feelings in you. You can either confront them and receive healing, or just sit in them until you're willing to pick up what I'm putting down." (That's the way God talk to me :) 

In the weeks I've been in Indiana, here's what has been happening..

We confronted and tackled...err, I mean, addressed femininity.
     The Honduran culture is not lacking feminine confidence. They get dressed up for the smallest outings. And since I'm moving there in August, I wanted to know all I can about the culture. Reina, my dad's wife, talked to me about the need and desire Honduran women have to take care of themselves, dress well, and take pride in who they are. They not only do this for themselves, but for the men in their lives. They take joy and pride in caring for themselves so that they can show themselves off to their men! Before, I would've sarcastically laughed at a comment like that and thought something along the lines that guys should like who we are no matter what we look like! And while that is true to an extent, the pride that comes from dressing up, wearing make up, doing your hair, and seeing the man you like/love smile so big or give you a compliment (or seeing some random man just stare at you!) is confidence boosting! (AmIright?!) It was a beautiful conversation.

Shopping spree, hair & nails, photo session: all part of helping me feel more feminine!

    Not only did this stir my heart and start the process of viewing myself as beautiful, it allowed me to know more of the beautiful woman that God sees every day. And then later, my dad came to me, not knowing the conversation I had with Reina, and said he wanted to take me shopping, to get the feminine clothes I had never had, and to treat me to hair, nails, and a family photo session to show me how beautiful I am and how I am worth it. I never thought this would ever happen. I'm so grateful it did.

We confronted (and are confronting) reliving with family. 
      Expectations. Living spaces. Rules. Being a big sister to two who haven't had one. Beginning a friendship with my dad's wife. Learning how to be a daughter to my dad again.
      None of this was easy. I repeat, NONE (expect for the friendship part. that's easy). It's incredibly difficult to move back in with your family after you've lived on your own for any length of time. Not to mention that I haven't lived with my dad before my parents divorced in 2004. Now I'm living with my dad and a family that I didn't grow up with. Not the normal "moving back home" situation, but not a bad one. Just one with way more adjustments and different expectations.
      It's been incredibly tough. Basically, my dad doesn't know me as an adult. I think he struggles knowing whether I'm this 15 year old girl he last lived with or the adult that stands before him. I struggle with knowing how to respond now that I am adult. Where is the balance of being involved in a family that has far more rules and expectations than I grew up with and living this new time of life as an adult? Not that I'm void of obeying rules, I'm living under his house, but shouldn't I be held to different standards? Higher expectations in certain areas (because I am an adult now!) but when I "mess up" the expectations only known to the kids, how do I respond to something I don't know? This is where my confusion comes in. It has been hard to be me when I'm expected to be someone else.
     Like I said before, this has not been bad. I have definitely fallen in love with being with family. My sister, brother-in-law, and niece and nephews live in town too and I have been able to watch the kids, work out with my brother-in-law, and spend time with my sister. I love that! Getting to know my two younger sisters, Paola and Abi, is so much time. Challenging at time, but the frustrating times do not come near the amazing moments. I'm 10 years older than Paola, and we are still able to have deep conversations about life, growing up, living with our dad, and even more importantly, God and ourselves. It's a blessing. Family is a blessing.

We confronted (and still are confronting) feelings and emotions.

     It's hard enough to correctly know your own feelings and emotions let alone mixing that into a conversation/situation with someone else who may happen to be your family member, who may happen to be living with you, who may happen to be the exact same as you, who may happen to be your dad. That's something of what it's like here. To say it's been awkward, uncomfortable, frustrating, and at times, hopeless, is an understatement. I would say I know my feelings well, and can adequately share them to most people. However, growing up, there was no safe space with my dad to share my feelings and emotions. He refuses to give validity to my feelings and that is defeating. I feel like life has been taken out of me. To know my feelings is to know me. To accept my feelings is to accept me. To refuse my feelings...is to refuse me. That's why I'm devastated when this happens. I've cried and wept in front of him, and he still looked at me with an insubstantial stare that doesn't even reach where I am sitting. The worst feeling I've had in awhile.
    But it's not all bad. At times, he did see my feelings, he did accept my feelings. I felt that everything came together at that point. And then, one time, he even listened to advice I had prayed for concerning him trying and listening to my younger sisters' feelings and emotions...and then asked for my advice. What?! Yeah, that happened. That has never, ever happened before. I am surely convinced it was because I was in prayer the night before and morning of. Because God gave me the time, I obeyed in starting the conversation, and then God gave me the words to say for instruction and correction. There is no other way on earth that I could do that without the Holy Spirit being my words and opening his heart. Absolutely. No. Other. Way.

We are confronting (and will for a long time) respect and gentleness.
      My devotions are on the fruit of the Spirit. This week has been gentleness and boy, has that been fully packed. I love it!

"Gentleness is submission to the will of the Father, teaching with humility, an awareness of our own sins, forgetfulness towards the sins of others, and leaving condemnation to God and conviction to the Holy Spirit." 

What a challenge! It's so hard for me to not say anything when I want to go into defensive mode; when I'm being reprimanded and especially for something that I feel is completely invalid. Showing respect in an unconditional way because God has called me to show it has stretched me immensely. And my heart has been changed because I want to give respect in the way that God desires when before I could not have cared less if they felt respected or not...as long as I was heard. But really, I'm not heard if I'm forcing my words or feelings on someone just like they are not respected if they're forcing me to to respect them. It has to come from a willing and obedient heart.
     I hope to encompass gentleness. No wonder it's one of the last characteristics in the fruit of the Spirit. I think the fruit of the Spirit step up in how challenging they are as the verse reads on. It's so tough to surrender, but it's not weakness, it's strength! If I originally think you become weak if you do it, it's the opposite. Example: I am not showing weakness if I do not say the thoughts in my head when someone is reprimanding me. It's the opposite: I'm showing strength to display the fruit of the Spirit in that moment. It sure is difficult, but it's worth it.

I started writing wanting to write about how difficult it has been. I wanted to vent and maybe cry while writing. But God had another plan, like He always does, when I started to write. He turns my bitterness into gratefulness. My pain into joy. I did cry, but only because it's hard to be vulnerable...but it's worth it.