Giving to God

God taught me through a kid at Rocketown tonight. That its not wrong to be needy. That it's okay and perfectly normal to come to my Savior in want. I dont need to have it all together or be strong for myself. And that I dont have to go through a list of giving or need to be prepared in order to give to God. Also, when I am wanting something from anything other than God, I need to search for the deeper meaning, and ask God to fill it. Its not too much to ask. He desires to fill us wholly. I am giving to God in my request to fill my needs because I am admitting that I cannot, nor can anything else, fulfill that need other than the love of my life and the One who loves me more than life.

Flowers and a Response

I saw bouquets of bright and arranged flowers and they were beautiful!
I rhetorically asked the figurative person in my head, "Will you would buy me some flowers?"
Then God responded, "I made all these for you."

And I smiled, and was elated. I just heard the best answer I ever could have received.

prayer and a hymn

Abba, reveal to me the grace You have given me. And where I am in Your standing. I need positivity, joy, love, happiness, fulfillment, but only from You, bc that's the only place its true. Make me less self-aware, and fix my mind to You Father God!

"Heart of my own heart. Be Jesus my Glory, my soul satisfied.
Oh God be my everything, be my delight."

all is stripped away.

Why do you take what was good away from me? Why are you taking my passion for Rocketown away? Why are you stripping everything from me? How much more do I need to lose? Those are great things, great intentions...was I relying on them for acceptance and fulfillment? You want all of me. You desire my time and my thought. I need to lose the entire identity that Ive created and held on to. What does it look like to let that go? To lose the control? I cant do this on my own. I cant do this at all. Im so lost, broken, confused, ready to quit...hopeless. Its been an amazing week..how did i get to this? What lie did i believe? What truth did i ignore? I wish that there was a method bc it seems like itd be easier. But whats easier than already being accepted and all i need to do is CHOOSE AND BELIEVE? I make it so hard, so complicated. It was such a blessing to be able to process my thoughts/emotions thru convos.

the love of the Father

I am not held to any standards. I do not have expectations to accomplish for myself before I can come to God or receive His love. Everything that I have felt thats been condescending, negative, hurtful, unworthy, anything that has hurt my heart - has been voided by the love of my Father. The words are overwritten and overruled because I am Chosen and I am valued. God has always loved me, always thought of me, always whispered uplifting words, always right beside me.

a prayer.

To do this right, I cant do this without you. I want so badly to take hold and do this on my own. I asked you for more knowledge and to teach me more, and I thank you for doing that. Being honest, its hard. Hard to know you and understand who you were and who you are, what youve done and how it matches with the rest of scripture. Im lost. Clear my thoughts. Clear my mind. I feel so incompetent and unworthy right now. Erase these negative thoughts. Fill them with Your Truth and your clarity. //Why do i have to be the one to stick up for friends? Why do i have to be the strong one? I take that on myself, and I know that. But who will defend them if I wont? Arent they worthy of defending and of character verification? Why cant i be that person? Why cant i help them? Why do i always have to feel the effects of backing up my friends?