"My Life"

In my first few days away from Nashville, I've been settled, comfortable, even excited. It's odd to feel and even say those emotions out loud. I have a hinge of guilt in saying that I'm not bitterly sad. I mean, I've lived in Nashville for 7 years and had my life here. All that I ever wanted, all that I ever desired. And now I'm in the process of my drive back to my old/new home in Indiana.

The list of reasons in my head for why I should be more sad should be enough to have changed my demeanor already, or at least put me in an emotional "funk" for the week/s leading up to my departure. Here's a few, just for my sake of writing them down:

• Nashville was my first move away from home. I left my little town of Warsaw, Indiana in 2005 to come to college in another little Christian university.
• During college, I found my niche. I majored in radio communications and became successful in getting an on-air radio shift where I continued to grow and create a one-of-a-kind radio show.
• Because of my radio career, I found Rocketown, a non-profit youth ministry that has a music venue, indoor skatepark, after-school programs, and a coffee bar. They did ministry in the way I always thought the church should've done it...go where the people are and start a friendship. 
• Graduated college in 2009 with the best friends I would've never reached out to on my own. I'm so thankful for their acceptance of me. 
• I ended my radio and got a job at Rocketown where I worked for 4 years. It was my life. The staff and kids were my life. I found another calling.
• Then I made one of the best decisions of my life: I went to the Anchor School of Ministry in January 2011. Everything I knew about myself, God, religion, and people were healthily broken down and reconstructed in the mindset of Christ, giving myself a secure foundation. What a journey, and it is just the beginning.

My friends, my church, my college, my career, my calling, my life was all in Nashville. I don't feel like I've left it. They will always be there and my memories will always be with me. It will mean just as much to me in the future as it does now. But my existence isn't based on those things. I can have all of that over again. I'm not sad because I'm following God. He is directing me from what I called my life and has already been working on the transition to leave Nashville. This has always been His plan. Now I have the privilege of following it. My life is not mine. My life is His and my life isn't because of the people who are in it, the place I live, or what I experience. My life is with God and defined by God. That's what I'm learning.

I've always experienced my friends leaving Nashville. My bestest friends would always move away, onto greater and better things for themselves. I didn't think it'd happen for me like this. But it is, and all I can do is smile.

The time I told God "No"

I told God "No." when I graduated college. That I wasn't moving, that I wouldn't leave Nashville. I didn't want Him to take me away from where I finally felt like what I had was home, where my friends were more than what I could've imagined, and where I had a deep passion and desire for my work. I just straight up said, "No. I'm not moving. It's not even an option." And for some reason, the Lord graciously heard me. He saw past my ignorant statement and past my pride, and saw how much I thought I really needed this place.

He allowed me to stay in Nashville.

He also blessed my work at Rocketown. I felt apart of a ministry, a job, eventually a church, and as always, close to my friends. He blessed me beyond measure.

In that blessing, there came struggle and heartache. Because I was so closed off to moving, God did His work in me in all the ways where I had said "No." before. I was uncomfortable, and I was just worn out from resisting His work in me for so long. Once that resistance gave up, He began to tear my identity away from my job. The support of my friends was no longer enough. Even my church family was the slightest comfort. But it all wasn't enough. God took me from my complete ignorance and led me through this winding, confusing, and sometimes agonizing path of softening my heart that didn't feel so soft at all. It hurt, and badly. But I knew it was necessary. I had peace in God's work. At one point, I could not put any of what I was feeling or going through into words, but I knew and trusted in what He was doing, even if it meant I would feel without words and be a crying mess for the rest of my life. I was willing to go through with this because I knew that I had my God. And I knew I'd come out better on the other side of this struggle.

Two things I think were key in this amazing process: I was completely honest with God and I allowed myself to be changed. I keep coming back to those two decisions that made me open and vulnerable with God and kept me in a place of desire to change.

Now, in that same state, I'm moving from the place I've truly called home since 2005. It will be happening. In the simple response of me not leaving Nashville to the process of allowing God to fully take me and transform me to do whatever He would like, I am moving.

This is the best part, in my opinion, because I'm moving to Honduras in August! I'm moving home to Indiana at the beginning of June so I can be with family, friends, and prepare for this next amazing phase in my life. My family is the best to be around (my step mom and sisters are Honduran) because I can learn the language, culture, and really dedicate myself spiritually and mentally. I miss my family incredibly and really desire to be an aunt, daughter, and sister to them. I haven't had that desire either, so I know it's a gift that the Lord has done in me.

It's all bittersweet, to leave the familiarity of Nashville, my friends who have become my family, and my church who has become more than I thought a church could become to me. It's so exciting, to know that what I'm stepping out to do is God's plan and I'm following Him in faith, and that what is to come will not be easy, but it will be rewarding. I have never been so sure and grounded in what is to come, even though the details I normally would crave are not here yet.

This is God's will for me. This is the process.

San Pedro Sula, Honduras will be my new home. More info to come!