"Sweet Maria"

"Sweet Maria."

My heart melts as soon as I hear this. I almost immediately begin to cry.

My mom always called me her "sweet Maria" when I was little and I absolutely loved it. I love thinking back on it because I can hear my mom say it and I smile. You see pictures of me as a kid and you can tell. You can just plain see those words when seeing a picture of me as a kiddo.

During the whole growing up process, that sweetness was overpowered by so many other characteristics that I wanted to show...strength, determination, domination, aggressiveness...that was how you got noticed. That's how I was told to play sports. That's how attention was received. The quiet ones didn't seem to have the fun I had.

What was the initial change? What happened to where I thought my vulnerability displayed in sweetness was destructive to myself? What made me start to think differently?

But now, how I wish that I could think of myself as that "Sweet Maria" as my mother always called me. I do now and then, but it's a deep thought I have to have. I can see it in the moment, but it's not a characteristic I have fully claimed back into my life. Because honestly, I liked being strong one, I liked being known as capable.

But I liked being the strong one. I liked being capable.

Here in Honduras, with a few weeks down as a new resident, there's absolutely no way I can be who I was. I can't be aggressive, because people will be hurt and in general, the people are very calm and tranquil. I can't dominate in tasks, because I don't know what to do. I can't have an overwhelming determination, because I'm still learning. I can't be strong and capable, because the only thing that will get me through each day is humility.


Whatever my mindset was as a kid, when my mom called me "Sweet Maria", I want back. I would like that innocence back, to live without the fear of rejection or the memories of times gone wrong.

I would like to live a new day, every day, as Sweet Maria.

My Far Away Place with God

This post has no original thought, no feeling that I need to express or get out there, no angst that typing my thoughts to the world helps solve. I'm only writing off the top of my head, which is different because I like having a plan, I like I having a topic to share.

I'm sitting on our porch, at a picnic table in Myrtle Beach. My view is the ocean. It's the end of the day so the tide is slowly coming back to its original starting point, covering the sand where we had our chairs, umbrellas, toys, and surfboard. It's taking over our area where we played bocce ball and sat in the sun, enjoying the relaxation and family time.

The sound of the wind coming from the sea and the never ending supply of waves easily takes me into a world of thought, some intelligible and some I can't even express because I don't know exactly where I go when I'm in that sort of "thought trance". It happens very often when I am with nature, whether I'm running on a path through a forest, hiking up a mountain, swimming in a lake, or driving through Indiana with cornfields on both sides.

It's completely peaceful and throws me into a place that I love. No one can access it except for me. No one knows what I know when I'm there. It's my time, my rest.

This is some of my most precious time with God. I am basking and enjoying His creation. All of this He made for me, and I thoroughly take joy in its beauty. And most importantly, I can enjoy my Creator in the quietest moment.

This is what life is supposed to be like...where I can be me and not be afraid of where my thoughts roam to, not be insecure about the way I look, or wonder what would've happened if, etc... But the wonderful thing about my time with God is that I CAN be afraid, I CAN be insecure, I CAN wonder what if, because my God is not afraid of my responses or reactions. He doesn't think differently of me when I express those to Him. When I give those feelings and thoughts to Him, when I tell God those feelings and thoughts, He addresses them in His love. He always brings me back to who He is and how I show His qualities in my own life.

Father,

You are so gracious to me. You are so willing to listen, to answer, to help. May I show more of You in my life, God. You are full of love and compassion and patience, and I desire to exemplify them the way You do. Thank You for meeting me where I am, whether that's in front of an ocean, in a car, at my work, or in the middle of a struggle at home. You meet me where I am, You are always with me. Lord, I give You the glory in my life. Teach us more of who You are and how we can better exemplify You in all areas of our life. May You be remembered in our actions.